Back to the top

A Revolutionary Point of View – “Your’s”

A new Wendy’s opened in my neighborhood…actually, not that new; it’s been there more than a year.
I haven’t set foot in a place like that in a long long time, but I was deliberately meaning to go into this one. Today I did. I heard they had a fireplace and a balcony level, and I wanted to see the view.

“The Most Fatal Illusion is the Settled Point of View” – Brooks Atkinson
The patterns we’re accustomed to are comfortable for us and get grooved into our brains. Just looking at the same old scenes from a different vantage point can change everything. Why? Because, for most of us, the thoughts and feelings we associate to the scenes in our lives are deeply embedded in our brains and in our nervous system.  That may be fine, but what if we’d like to change them, what if we’d like to just realize them, recognize them, know that they’re here and then make a decision how we’d like to think and feel about it.

I never realized the Kabab King sign was so red. I never knew it was the Archer hardware store. Or, how gritty the street scene is along the subway el, especially in the rain. I had a cup of coffee, black. Tastes change and it’s long since fast food appealed to me.

“There is No Terror in the Bang, Only in the Anticipation of It.” – Alfred Hitchcock
The importance of this exercise, however, should not be missed in my whimsical musings (though whimsy and musing have their own precious value). Let me share a story that taught me a valuable lesson very early in life.


I was in parochial school. No, not Catholic School, but what is called a yeshiva, a Hebrew religious school. It was early in the school year, fourth grade, and I was terrified. I had a teacher who could aptly be described as a raging maniac. When she was calm, she was actually a good teacher. But, if a student made an error or misbehaved in even the slightest way, she flew into a rage of screaming and smacking and shaking the student, her stringy red hair flying back and forth, her wrinkly face scrunched, her glasses shaking half off her face. I remember two kids who were so nervous; they threw up every day in the schoolyard before class started. Most of us just sat there in fear. But, one day, as Mrs. Kopelman flew into a rage of screaming and ranting, I happen to look to my right, and way over on the other side of the room, there was a kid laughing, or I should say, doing everything in his power to keep from bursting out laughing. I was completely confused.

“Until you are willing to be confused about what you already know, what you know will never grow bigger, better, or more useful. Enlightenment is always preceded by confusion.” – Milton Erickson

When we got outside for recess, I couldn’t wait to go over to him and ask, “What’s so funny!?!”
He looked at me with a big smile and said, ”Are you kidding? Look at her! She’s a riot.”
I never looked at her the same again. When we got back into class and she went into another rage,
I looked at that kid across the room, and I too had everything I could do to contain myself, to not burst out laughing. And, so it was for the rest of the school year. Of course, every once in a while, when I was the focus of her rage, it was not so funny. But, all the rest of the time, my point of view had changed, as had my reaction – my thoughts, my feelings. I was no longer terrified. “Are you kidding!?! She’s a riot.”

“Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold.” –Joseph Chilton Pearce
Of course, no child should ever be put in that position. In our everday lives, however, there are endless ways to play with this dynamic and discover new points of view…and, I do mean discover, because, when we uncover the crazy way we have learned to look at certain things, you just may find something that needlessly causes you pain, is suddenly innocuous, even funny. All you have to do is imagine you are looking at the same situation from another part of the room or through someone else’s eyes. Let me give you an example.

I was talking to someone at a party. To my surprise, he started complaining about his wife. Some of her little idiosyncrasies drove him to distress. He was quite disturbed – the way she would fold some of the laundry but not all of it; kitchen issues; really small things and a litany of them. He talked about how they would get into nasty arguments about it. “Why does she have to do these things?” he protested.
I calmed him down and made a little suggestion. “Why don’t you close your eyes, just for a moment.
Now, in your mind’s eye, place yourself in the kitchen, right when one of these exchanges is about to start. Okay, lift yourself out of your body and place yourself into your wife’s viewpoint and watch the exchange through her eyes.”

He opened his eyes rather quickly. “What a jerk I am,” he said. (He didn’t really say jerk. He used stronger language.) He was embarrassed. He had such conviction before about the inanity of his wife. Suddenly, he realized how ridiculous it all was.

Try it, playfully. Take any situation, and place yourself at another viewpoint – across the room or actually seeing it through someone else’s eyes. It’s interesting. It’s fun. Sometimes, it’s hilariously funny.
And, it just may offer you some piercing new insights.





More Than The Winter Blues By Marshall Tarley

More Than The Winter Blues

There are more people than ever before either not working or working from home.
They are in potential danger.

I received a call the other day from a client, a hard-charging entrepreneur. He was agitated and sounded desperate. “I’m chained to my desk and my PC,” he said. “I haven’t been outside in three days.”

Later that same day, I got a call from another friend who was clearly in despair. Initially, the call was to catch up and invite my girlfriend and I to dinner Saturday evening. The catch up quickly turned to the emotionally tough winter she is having. She is retired, and several activities in her life – an art class, her tennis and more – seemed to vanish, at least for now. What’s more, her grandchild, for whom she babysat a couple of times each week, had gone with her daughter on vacation. She was falling into a vortex of despair.

This is not limited to retired people, though they are particularly vulnerable to it. Individual entrepreneurs, others who work from home and the unemployed and underemployed are also in the danger zone.

In this country today, and perhaps around the world, more people than ever before are not working or working from home. While the unemployment rate hovers at record lows, the employment participation rate is at its lowest point in nearly a half- century. Some economists and commentators say that this is due to baby boomers retiring. That’s a half-truth. The economic collapse of 2008 displaced a vast number of employable people, many of them baby boomers, people in their mid-forties and older at the time, who have never recovered. Many of these displaced workers had to deal with crushing financial needs on top of the social and emotional toll of unemployment and forced retirement. Combine that with those who truly retired, those who are under-employed and those who work from home, either as employees or as individual entrepreneurs, and you have an unprecedented population of people who are vulnerable to isolation, stress, depression, drug use and alcoholism.

What are some solutions?

Economics – This is not a political or economic blog, so I will leave it to economists, industry leaders and our bumbling politicians to resolve the economic issues.
Emotions – Yes, I believe I can be of help on the emotional front.  Or, I might say that if you and make a sustained effort, the four steps below will make a difference – if you use them. When we are already depressed, it is hard to pull ourselves out, but if you get up and get moving, defy gravity, the tools below will work for you. It’s not easy, but it is worth it to take up the challenge and win. If you have not yet reached the event horizon, where you have been sucked into that black hole, great, then this will be a bit easier.

4 Steps to Protect and Strengthen Our Emotional Selves.

Socialize – Yes, I know it’s hard, but you need to push yourself out there. Social contact is one of the most essential elements of brain health and emotional health. Consciously and deliberately plan social events – dinner with friends and relatives, movie dates, museum dates (even if you’ve never been to a museum, you may like it). Join social groups. That’s not you? That’s okay; you are making changes to make your life better. Join a Meet Up Group – I just Googled Meet-Ups in Bismark, North Dakota and there are tons of them of every subject and flavor. Join your church or synagogue groups. Join a bowling league. Painting, writing, who knows what untapped talents you have. Will it all work out just right? Of course not. You’ll learn and pick and choose, but even a bad social experience in one of these groups is way better than spending time alone. Plan, Plan, Plan – Yes, I know it’s hard, but plan a schedule, both a social schedule and an exercise schedule.

Exercise – Again, you’re going to tell me it’s not you? Again, you’re changing. The second most important element of brain health and emotional health (after socializing) is exercise. And, you thought it was only good for your body. Exercise pumps blood through your system and into your brain, it can cause the release of endorphins and dopamine into the brain – these are feel-good chemicals that we love. You can combine the experience and exercise with others. You should (yes, I’m using the should word), you should exercise every day and, if your doctor gives you the green light, do rigorous, challenging exercise twice per week.

Choose Your “Trance” – We do not need to be hypnotized to be in a trance. Trance is a deep state of focus. When we are in this state, everything begins to be colored by our state of mind. In a negative trance-state, we see our world – past, present and future, as bleak. We see the negative side of our experiences, of decisions we’ve made in life, of everything, including our future. Listen carefully, that is a Trance. You get to choose your trance in life, and you can choose a good trance. How? Cast your focus on what’s good and see your life through that focus. Whatever your situation, there are good parts to it. Even many “bad” experiences have elements of learning, of caring, of other good things. Focus there. Sit down and make a list of the good things in your life – they are there, I assure you. Review that list every morning and evening and add to it, because as you begin to see the world from the good things on that list, your brain will naturally see more good in your life. Plus, you will make all kinds of new and good discoveries by following steps one and two above – socializing and exercising.

Use Your Brain’s Natural Gestalt Mechanism – The brain is hardwired to seek wholeness, completeness. If there is a blank, an open question that you feel any emotional connection to, even a small one, your brain will persistently seek to answer that question, often creating an endless number of scenarios. How can you use this mechanism to your advantage? Simple and not so simple. The simple part – ask yourself well-formed questions that set your mind on a path seeking answers that make you feel good. Here are a few examples:

I wonder how soon I can feel good?
What surprise will I have today that will make me feel good?
How much do people love me?
I wonder what it will look like to have a great day today?
How good will it feel to feel good?
Why am I so grateful for Sally’s friendship?

You get the idea. One thing though, you are not asking these questions with the intention of answering them with your conscious cognitive thinking. You are asking these questions of yourself with a sense of wonder and caring. Then, just leave them out there in your mind. Your brain will seek answers all on its own, even while you’re sleeping, and create scenarios and actions and good feelings.

So, what’s the not-so-simple part of this? The first time you do it, you may notice some small or large positive change, or you might not notice it at all. You are teaching your brain a new habit, and the more you do it, the more you will train your brain to act on your behalf. You will get better and better results as you go forward. So, the not-so-simple part is staying with it and making a practice of it.

You can ask questions before you start your day, in the middle of a bad time during your day, and certainly at the end of the day when you want to set your mind for a good night. Make up your own questions and use your five senses in creating these questions. We each represent the world in our own minds using one of our senses as a primary sense. Some of us are more oriented to visual, others to feeling, some to hearing and some to taste or smell. If you know the primary sense you relate to, use that one. If not, sprinkle all of them into your questions.

One Final and Important Note – You may find that you’re in a situation where you may need professional help – a social worker or counselor. If that’s the case, please go and see one. Even if you have no money, there are agencies and religious-affiliated groups that can provide this help. The advice above is no substitute for professional help, though it can supplement it.

The Fabric of Our Lives

John LaVeglia
John LaVeglia

This is John LaVeglia (see picture). When I was fifteen years old, I worked at his neighborhood store, John’s Deli. He was the first person I ever met who recycled…before anyone ever knew what recycling was. He was worldly and smart. He was efficient, and planned and executed. He had a great rapport with customers and employees. I learned a great deal from him. He was a mentor back then. What’s more, he became a lifelong friend. We got together for a cup of coffee and a catch up today.

Whenever I do my planning for the year, the month, the week and the day, I do it on a Mind Map (a technique I’d love to teach you one day). One branch on my planning Mind Map is always my circle of friends and family…who I need to get in touch with, make a call, send an e-mail or see them, like today.
We all have busy lives. That’s why I keep that branch on every plan, right in front of me. If not, it’s too easy to let friendships slowly fade into oblivion, family too. Even those closest to us, who may silently feel slighted or ignored, may slowly slip away from us. And, for what?…to work more? Our circle of family and friends are the fabric of our lives, its very essence. Keep them in your sights and go out of your way to make time for them.

Š2017 - 2024 Marshall Tarley, LLC