5 Ways to Nurture Trust and Protect It

Trust is the connective tissue in every personal and in every business relationship. It is tenuous. To thrive it must be cherished and nurtured. To survive, it must be meticulously minded, like a dutiful parent minding their prized child. A single misconstrued statement or action can send it reeling, with immeasurable and often unknown costs.

A Simple Scenario of Fragile Trust
I was warming up leftovers in the oven. Not known for my cooking prowess, I asked my significant other, “What temperature should I set this on?”

“Two-fifty,” she said.
“Two-fifty?!?” I asked.

I’m very impatient when I’m hungry and would have set it at twice that temperature.
“Yes, two-fifty.” She said emphatically.
“Okay.”

But, I set it at 450. I was in the kitchen. She was in the living room. I just figured it would get warm faster and she wouldn’t be the wiser. Ten minutes later, I was in another room, when she went into the kitchen to check on our leftovers. “You lied to me!”

Now, I have to tell you that she and I are rock solid, completely open and trusting of each other. It was a “white lie,” a tiny misdirection. But, it had impact. She had experienced mistruths in a prior relationship and I can only imagine what came flooding forward. For weeks afterwards, there would be little questions about most anything I told her. I would reference the “white lie” about the oven and joke about, but, at the same time, reassure her. I have been scrupulous about such “white lies” ever since. There was no crisis here, but I looked after the aftermath and cleaned it up.

The CEO and the Loss of Trust
We poured into the boardroom for the end of year department-head meeting. There was a touch of excitement in the air, as we anticipated the announcement of our end of year bonuses. The CEO began reporting results and approximately fifteen minutes into his remarks, he announced there would be no department-head bonuses. He said the organization had missed one of its key revenue goals. There was a palpable deflation in the room. Ouch! That hurt. And, though there was disappointment, there seemed to be some logic to the CEO’s statement. But, a bit later in his comments, he announced that our overall revenue for the year was the best ever in the company’s history and we should all be very proud. Proud!?! Everyone was disillusioned. The CEO didn’t pick up on the reaction in the room.

Afterwards, everyone buzzed about the total incongruity – best year of revenue; no bonuses because of a missed revenue goal. However, there actually was a logic. A great deal of money came in from a longstanding lawsuit. Revenues from regular business did fall a short. And, if it was up to the CEO, he would have given bonuses anyway, but the board of directors voted it down. This absence of transparency caused a major breach of trust that continued for some time along with a big dose of cynicism. What made it worse – this CEO was not open to feedback, so even those closest to him weren’t able to let him know what a bombshell he landed, and he had no opportunity to address it with his management group.

The Human Brain is Naturally Triggered by Questions
The human brain is naturally wired to be triggered by questions – questions that we care about. When that kind of question arises, the brain goes into a persistent and often relentless search mode, trying to fill in the blank and answer the open question, creating scenario after scenario. This happens in your conscious thinking and even more so in your other-than-conscious thinking. This natural brain process even runs in your sleep. If trust is breached, or if there is even a perception that trust has been breached, it triggers this mechanism and it may generalize such that mistrust is present in every interaction and communication that involves the person who committed the breach. This is true in personal relationships, business, professional, work, everywhere.

Perhaps the worst example is the “cheating” spouse. Once discovered and the relationship supposedly reconciled, the calls and texts may continue without end – “Where are you? Who are you with? When will you be home?” Suddenly, the stay at home spouse is travelling with the reformed “cheater” on every business trip. If a breach is bad enough, it may take the rest of time to continue to do repairs.

5 Ways to Nurture Trust and Protect It

1. Don’t Lie
Yes, sometimes it is difficult to say what’s true, but you must be brave. Most of the time, it’s not that big a deal. And, as opposed to what Jack Nicholson said, we really can stand the truth. You can be truthful and kind at the same time. Just tell the truth. It will become a habit.

2. White Lies Can Break Ties
While a “white lie,” in theory, has no evil intent, you can see from my little leftovers in the oven story that it can reverberate with serious consequences. It is unnecessary, a convenience, a habit that breeds mistrust. Break that habit and form a new one – the truth.

3. Pay Attention – Shed Light on Misconceptions
She asked how to turn on the light over the stove. “There’s a button called surface light,” I said.
I watched her searching, confused. “I don’t see any circus light,” she told me.
When I stopped laughing, I enunciated the words surface light more clearly. No foul, no harm. It’s just a small illustration of how often we hear different words than the ones intended to be communicated. How often words, tone, facial expressions and more are misconstrued, and if not corrected, can lead to distrust and discord.
Pay Attention – Watch faces, expressions, body language, responses. If something seems off kilter, it probably is. Ask questions. The best time to make corrections, to amend any discord, is in the moment. If you notice a change in behavior towards you later on, take note of it, find the right time and place to diplomatically ask about it. If there was a miscommunication that caused mistrust and/or discord, you find out about it and repair it.

4. Cultivate Feedback
In your personal life and in the workplace, it is so important to develop and cultivate sources of feedback – people you can trust to tell you when something may be wrong – or when you may have done something wrong without even knowing. Anyone who offers you these gifts is to be greatly appreciated. If you fail to notice a shift or change in attitude of one person or several people towards you, because they believe you’ve violated their trust, your sources of feedback will key you in and you will have the opportunity to repair it. Our CEO (above) would have benefited greatly from this kind of feedback. Don’t kill the messenger, she won’t come back. And, you want that person who can tell you what’s really going on to come back often. Don’t kill them, embrace them and thank them.

5. Give the Gift of Trust
When you’re a manager and a leader, and you give one of your workers an important assignment with significant consequences, and you explain the seriousness of the assignment, and you let them clearly know that you are putting your trust in them, it is a major gift to this person. He or she will cherish this gift. When you invest real trust in someone – a parent to a child, a friend with a friend, a leader with a report or staff-member, you have validated them as a person in a deep and special way. It is a gift that will pay many good dividends.